


Deserving death

by Loki_Slytherin



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, F/M, Fucked Up, Murderers, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, WTF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:47:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29177445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_Slytherin/pseuds/Loki_Slytherin
Summary: Bonnie does a terrible thing. As she does, she reflects on life and death and on who deserves to die.
Relationships: Frank Delfino/Bonnie Winterbottom
Kudos: 8





	1. Death

So not mine. Belongs to whoever made how to get away with murder. This is just about Bonnie and what she's thinking. Bonnie is one of my favorite how to get away with murder characters, but a lot of people don't like her.

Bonnie felt sick. She didn't want to - didn't mean- to kill him. Ron was dying. Nate had punched him, beaten him, and Ron wouldn't have survived.

She had put Christopher on the floor, in the snow. And the blood. As Bonnie raises her hand to smother Ron's face she thinks. About her father. He deserved to die. About Lila. She didn't. About Sam. He did. Annalese's son. He didn't. Wes. He didn't. Sinclair, judge Millstone, Denver. Did they deserve to die? Does anyone. She does, She thinks, she deserves death.

Even if Ron killed Nate Lahee Sr does he deserve death? Rebecca didn't. Bonnie remembers killing Rebecca. Watching her suffocate. Watching her life drain away, gasping for air. Rebecca had died in much the same way Ron was dying. Bonnie was already a murderer. Rebecca and now Ron. What did one more death matter.

More blood on her hands. Blood that was destroying Annalese. Blood that would destroy them all. Laurel, Asher, Connor, Micheala, Oliver, Frank, Annalise. Nate too. If Bonnie hadn't killed Rebecca would those deaths still have happened. Was everything her fault?

Ron had loved her. Bonnie did not deserve love. Bonnie was not worthy of love. Her father had shown her that all those years ago.

Bonnie thought about her son. She could have been a mother. He would have been the same age as the others now. Asher, Connor, Micheala, Laurel, Oliver. Gabriel Maddox and Wes Gibbens. Rebecca. Why does everything come back to Rebecca?

Bonnie looks down, and knows Ron is dead. She hurries indoors with Christopher. She says everything is fine. That is what she always says. Everything is fine. Or it will be.


	2. Time

"frank" I murmer, rolling over onto his body. We shouldn't have done this. Annalese didn't like it when Frank and I had sex before. I think she's jealous. I might be wrong, but she often is. Not jealous of the fact she wants us, jealous of the fact we have each other.

He pulls me closer. I like his arms. They feel safe. Frank and I never really got to be happy. I think that's why we need each other. We both belong to Annalise. We both know we belong to Annalese. And yet, we stay. We let annalese have total control. We take bets on who she'll claim next. I'm rarely right. I thought she'd claim Oliver or Michaela next, but Frank thought it'd be Laurel or Connor. She needed someone to replace Wes.

Turns out it looks like it will be Gabriel.

"Frank" I mutter again, rolling over, facing him. "I should get up. I've got to go to work."

He looks at me and raises an eyebrow. "Bonnie. Can't you call in sick?" 

No. I shouldn't. I'm tempted to. But I shouldn't. It will point the finger of blame to me.

See the thing is, the others found out about what happened at Connor and Oliver's wedding. Not good. It was decidedly not good.

I mean Asher and his sex just ew, sometimes I hate Asher. But that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was what I did. I killed him.

I killed my boyfriend. I've always known I'm not worthy of love. Always know it. But now, I'm a monster. Rebecca as well. I've got blood all over my hands. I'm evil. I deserve to die.

Was I born evil? I doubt it. No child is born evil. Was I made into evil by my fathers actions? By what he did to me and my sister? Perhaps. It's possible. I thought I was the victim, bit perhaps it's possible to be both the victim and the monster. The villain and the hero. Or was I made evil by annalese? Did she turn me into a monster, the way she turned frank, Wes, Asher.

Annalese spreads destruction wherever she goes. She destroys all she touches. She is a monster, a demon. She is narcissistic. She is cruel. She is toxic.

And yet I need that. Need someone like her, to make me feel well I don't even know. I can't even name what keeps me prisoner.

My father really screwed me up. I can't do anything like a normal person. I can't be a normal person. Is it to hard to try to function like a person? Yes, I guess there is. I pull away from Frank, away from the safety he gives. I have to go pretend nothing happened.

I have to pretend I'm not broken. Not evil. Not a monster. I get up, pulling my clothes on. The question of how Frank managed to get my bra onto the top of the wardrobe is beyond me. I'm not surprised Laurel wanted him too.

I try to jump up to get it but soon give up. No one will notice if I go into work without a bra on I hope.

"Bonnie" Frank says. I turn to look at him. 

"I'm going to be late." I say, avoiding his eyes. 

"I know. But Bonnie, it'll be fine. If you ever need me, call me. Don't do anything stupid okay? Trust me. I know the feeling Bonnie. But it'll be better. I promise."

I smile weakly. He's wrong. It never gets better. Ever. It's been bad since the very first day my father laid his hands on me. Since he began his games.

And it never gets better.


	3. Life

Bonnie is at home now. She is sat at the table, comfort eating ice cream. And thinking. Some people should think more. Asher and Connor for example. Bonnie shouldn't. She thinks to much as it is.

Frank comes in the room now.

Bonnie looks up. She's thinking about Ron. Thinking about how maybe it would be easier, better for everyone if she died. She would not have to be in their way, killing the wrong people, doing the wrong things. Causing pain and grief. Chaos and curses. Hurt and hell.

She could do it. Just go away, one morning, and jump off a bridge. Drive into a river. Overdose on drugs that she could persuade Frank to give her. Shoot herself with the gun Annalese kept. Or Frank's gun. Poison herself with bleach.

Hang herself as Ashers father had done. Slit her wrists with the razor blade like Caleb. Stab herself in the neck like Wes's mother. It would hardly be hard. There were many ways she could make their lives better.

Bonnie ran upstairs, feeling nauseous waves wash over her. Every morning for a week. Or so. She slumps by the thing, and realizes something else. She's late. She feels somehow more sick with this realization than when she was actually being sick.

She pulls out all the box of stuff in the cupboard. There's definitely a test somewhere in here. There has to be. She knows she had one somewhere. She pulls it out, follows the instructions, and waits.

She feels a mix of sick, dread, hope, fear, excitement, terror, as it shows her the truth. Bonnie is pregnant. She walks in a daze downstairs. It's not her first pregnancy. She was pregnant before, her son, the child that was doomed right from the start. She isn't sure she wants this child.

Again, the suicidal feelings come back to her, and the urge to just end it all is strong.

She could just off herself. The unborn child would die in the process. It wouldn't matter. No one would care. But something makes her pause. If she kept the child she could have a life. A new beginning. She'd stay, Annalese would sort out the problems. She could have the child.

The child could grow up alongside Laurel and Wes's child. Annalese's child was dead, Lila's child was dead, or rather never to be born, Bonnie's first child was dead. There was so much death. Death when there should have been rebirth.

"Frank" she calls soflty. Frank comes into the room, watches as Bonnie sits down, and begins to cry. Bonnie is always emotional, or not emotional enough. She is either being tough, hiding and blocking her emotions, or she has let them loose in a flood of misery.

Frank sits down next to her, and holds her tightly.

"I'm pregnant" she weeps into his shoulder.

Bonnie leans further into Frank's arms, letting him block out the world which is never kind to Bonnie. Lets him block out the ever present pain. The pain, physical and emotional which is always there. Bonnie can't remember a time before the pain.

"Bonnie." Frank says. She looks up, confused by his tone. "I brought plane tickets. To England. I have fake IDs, for when we get there. Do you want to come? When I knew what had happened I thought we should run together. Leave this dump, this life behind. Think about it, Bonnie, I'd protect you."

Bonnie thinks about it. She wants to go, she reflects. There is nothing here for her. There is only pain, memories of pain, threat of future pain, present pain. Constant pain.

Bonnie knows she doesn't deserve a happy ever after. Of course she doesn't. She deserves death. But the thought of a new life, leaving it all being, running, like a bird at sea, that appeals to Bonnie.

"yes. I want to, need to come." she says.

Frank and Bonnie get in the plane the next day. They make it to England. They buy a house together. Bonnie keeps the child, and they name her Hope. She is their hope. Their way of forgetting everything that happened before.


End file.
